Dangerously Low

My dear fellow Americans last week I warned you of the international threat to the coverage of Michael Jackson and our inalienable right to know everything about famous people and people who know famous people.  However there is a new and much greater threat brewing in our own homeland.  We are in danger of losing danger.  Now I am sure that there are going to be some neigh sayers out there declaring that danger is too risky and we are better off being safe and secure.  While being safe might seem a little bit more comfortable and less of a threat; danger provides us with something that will drastically improve our lives: fear.  Fear causes our pituitary glands to release Adrenocorticotrophic hormones which signal our adrenal glands to release cortisol which gives our body complete access to stored nutrients immediately to meet high energy demands.   Fear gives us more energy and uses up extra nutrients that would become fat, making us more efficient and thinner.  Folks there was a time when I could buy rat poison that didn’t tell me not to swallow it.  With all of the major predatory animals driven out of our country our stupidity was our only source of danger.  Now warning labels and liability laws are robbing me of the fruits of my foolishness.  Many lawmakers have sent us towards a danger recession by outlawing everything that could cause danger; stopping danger before it even exists.  In order to meet our daily fear needs we need to create threatening situations that don’t exist; which brings us to our solution: paranoia.  Fortunately I am not the first to see this great need like true patriots the hard-hitting reporters at Fox News have already began leading the way in making paranoia accessible to the masses by devoting most of their reporting to isolated kidnappings and rapes to make them seem common.  What better way to provide people with the fear and distrust that they desperately need than to convince them they that could be attacked by anyone at anytime.   Unfortunately not all of our leaders are working towards fixing our fear deficit; much to my horror our president is actually working against it.  Now I have tried to get on board with President Obama in an attempt to find some common ground he is after all a celebrity, but he stubbornly insists on forcing hope on the American people.  Not only is he going to great lengths to make healthcare affordable ruining any chances that we otherwise might been able to have of fearing for our health; he is also working towards good relations with Russia.  President Obama recently signed a nuclear reduction agreement with Russian President Dmitriy Anatolyevich Medvedev in which both countries agreed to lower their nuclear warhead surplus by a third.   Now to some of you this may seem like no big deal but, let me assure you that this will lower our chances of being able to have a nuclear war by 33.3%.  His actions are pulling us further away from another desperately needed cold war.  Do you remember our last cold war; it was the golden age of danger.  Fear and distrust were booming!  Fear was so abundant that people had to discipline themselves to smoke marijuana just to keep from over dosing on it.  Of course it wouldn’t have been half as great if we hadn’t had a great leader who knew how to lead by example: President Nixon we salute you.  So, my fellow Americans I urge you to join me and Fox News in replenishing our fear supplies otherwise the only thing that we will have left to fear is the absence of fear itself.

Folks earlier I posted a blog warning you all about the serious threat against the coverage of Michael Jackson; I appreciate your comments and I am glad that you have decided to join me in protecting our American right to obsess over any celebrity that we want dead or alive. However, in the midst of the support the ridiculous accusation was made that Jackson was a pedophile. This attack on Jackson is completely absurd because, everyone knows that he lived in Never Never Land and no one grows up in Never Never Land. Therefore, Jackson could not have been a grown man and a child cannot be a pedophile. Let’s not remember Jackson in a negative way. Let’s remember him the way he was; a star who touched a lot of people.

Jackson Coverage Threatened by World Events

I like many of you have been following the news coverage of the defining issue of this decade;  that’s right I am talking about the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death. Last week Omar Richardson wrote on his blog that we need to let Michael Jackson rest in peace.  I agree Richardson 100% and the best way to let Jackson rest in peace is to talk about him until no one wants to hear about him ever again.  So, far we have had adequate coverage of Jackson, but an international conspiracy is working to infiltrate our news and distract us from the importance of the finalization of Jackson’s estate.  In an attempt to take coverage away from Jackson current Honduran president Roberto Micheletti took part in a military coup ousting former president Manuel Zelelya from office and exiling him out of the country.  These actions enabled him to knock Jackson down to only two of the top four stories on Yahoo News, but he wasn’t satisfied with that in his insatiable desire to take attention away from the King of Pop Micheletti then shut down all of the airports preventing Zelelya from reentering the country knowing that it would instigate conflict with the U.N. and take more media coverage away from Never Never Land.  Micheletti isn’t the only culprit in this insidious plot.   Out of desperation to knock Jackson out of the news North Korean president Kim Jong Ill began performing unauthorized nuclear tests to incite tension in the U.N. hoping that this would steal media coverage away from the King of Pop.  When actions failed to distract the media enough  to prevent coverage of Jackson’s medicine cabinet he began firing missiles into the Sea of Japan.  President Ill if you are reading this;  I know what you are trying to do and you are wasting your time, because in the Land of the Free if you aren’t: a movie star, singer, TV personality, athlete or have eight kids we don’t care what you do.   The biggest conspirator involved in this vile scheme is Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei who ordered the arrest of several British ambassadors; claiming that they were involved in inciting riots following the re-election of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  At first that may appear to be an honest mistake.  However when you consider that Jackson bought the rights to many of the Beatles songs you can see that this is a direct attempt to distract Jackson’s biggest supporters from the news coverage of his own death; who would be more concerned about the British than the fans of the man who bought their music.  Not only were his actions an attempt to thwart our much needed coverage of Jackson’s funeral arrangements but, he almost prevented us from hearing about the retirement of Casey Kasem.  Khamenei, read my lips the American spirit and the American will to only pay attention to American pop culture is much stronger than your little political moves.  This American only spirit dates all the way back to 1823 when former U.S. president James Monroe issued the Monroe Doctrine telling other nations to stay out of our affairs because, we don’t care about yours.